helpless

he sat in the rain. on a swing pushing himself forward and backward. not really knowing what he was doing here. he came up on his terrace climbing five floors to get wet? maybe to be alone? he thought noone would be that dumb to be sitting in this freezing cold. it was cold. he was freezing. he looked around there was no life around. the birds that usually flew over his house were probably hiding in shelter. a baby pigeon hiding under its mothers wings, her mother protecting her. the thought brought a smile to his face. basic instincts. was that what drived all animals? do they not know what we call feelings? maybe they do not in the complex way that we feel them? when he was a child he was told that to name his little niece they were going to slaughter a goat. he did not actually comprehend what he was about to see. he did not mind the blood. nor the wailing. he did not really flinch when the goats innards came tumbling down onto the ground but that when he looked at its eyes. it was crying. he looked away and did not look again. one question flowing through his tiny brain. why was it crying? he thought about it now, why was it crying? the obvious answer was that it was in pain. no anesthetic was given to it. no pain killers, it would be in excrutiating pain. we jump at a cut and it was having its guts spilling out onto to the floor. what if it was something else? would it be crying over its helplesness? it had no control over its life. thats a disturbing thought.

do we have control over our lives? besides the not knowing when we will die, our lives depend on a cycle of events. it depends on the people around us. the weather. he smiled at the thought he was sitting in the rain. he probably would not be there if it had not been raining. and even if he was there he might have been smoking but because of the rain he could not and he thought that cigarette could have been the one that killed his first lung cells beyond repair, exposng him to lung cancer. that was a wild chance but he knew it was not impossible. humans since time began have been asking ourselves, asking others even tried to ask God why we were here. muslims and christians and many more beleive we came here to spread our seed and pray to God. buddhists beleive all life on earth is based on a cycle, when we die we return as something else. many of us still want to know why? and why do we want to know that? we dont want to feel helpless. knowing we have no control over our lives. we have this blindfolded belief that our decisions help us go ahead in life. but really we dont, it always depends on someone or something else.

its still raining and he is still freezing. about time he had a feg he thought. he gets up and soaking wet leaves...