he sat in the dark. a cigarette burning red and orange the only light in his tiny room. he was listening to music. coldplay at that. Chris Martin was talking about lifes disappointments. About what life took from you and what you coudnt replace. About when you got what you wanted but not what you needed. Lifes disappointments he thought. He took a huge drag from the almost finished cigarette and put it out into his homemade ashtray. A square plastic box with some water. Lifes disappointment's, now that was one big topic.
He had thought alot about something for a long time he thought. It related to how much he had disappointed the people around him for a long time. About how some of them didnt even know the whole truth. Or even half of it. He had been thinking about their breaking point. In science he learned of the elastic limit. Limit upto which a rubber or any material can be stretched. Pass that limit and it breaks. So what was the limits of the people around him he thought? What can he tell them about the stuff he has done in his life that would freak them, gross them out? What was the skeleton in his closet that would make them leave him? Their breaking point from him.
He was torn between the two core feelings. Regret and fear of being alone. He regretted things he had done and wanted to be honest and bring them out into the open. Tell the people around him what and why he did it but he was afraid of loosing them, the fear of dying alone. He knew in all his life he could not find the breaking points of the people around him because it was not universal. So how was he going to come out of this sane? Guilt was like a dozen big slimy worms twirling, squeezing, slouching inside your very stomach. Screaming inside your own head did not help either he thought. What was he going to do?
He could always take a risk he thought. Put himself out there. Tell them what he did and hope for the best? He then saw an image of him as a baby. Half naked with just a diaper on. In his crib. Crying his eyes out. There was noone around him. There were no hands to take him from his crib. There was no bosom he could find comfort in. There came no words to comfort him. He was alone. Vulnerable to the worlds every whim. And he cried and cried.
He lit up another cigarette, he was going through alot he thought. It was almost 3:00 Am only two more hours to go till he needed to be in office he thought. Wish he could have slept he thought. Wish sleep could have come easily. Wish he did not have to sleep alone he thought. He wondered what all married men enjoyed the first few years of their marriages. Besides the sex part. To be able to sleep with someone you love. To feel their warmth against you. To hear them breathing carelessly. Their eyes fluttering if they were having a dream. Waking up in the morning to see that persons face. The natural beauty entwined with the mornings first rays of light. They get to brush their spouses hair from their faces to get a better look at them. Wake them up with a kiss. Hug them. Cuddle. And if its Friday go back to sleep. Who would loose an opportunity to have everything he ever wanted by taking a risk he thought.
He then thought if a one time convicted rapist could love someone. It be a man or woman would this person tell the person he/she loved that once before in his/her past he/she violated another woman or man? That would be a skeleton they would take to their grave. And because they dont tell anyone, can we condemn them for it? If you think about it no woman would trust him but he could really be in love. But how do we know that he thought? How can you measure a persons redemption? It was just like any other feeling like love, it could never be measured. The world does not give you second chances when you do alot of things. This being one of the filthiest one of them all, how does a rapist tell what he/she did? How do they overcome the fear of being alone?
What if it had been a child molester? The worst kind of humans imaginable. What woman would be comfortable to have kids with this man. Or vice versa if it was a woman molester. But they still are humans, can they not have a genuine need or want for a child of their own? Maybe he thought. What he was sure was that noone would trust them. Noone would give them a second chance. He woudnt have he thought. He dragged hard on his finished cigarette, burning his lips a little with the burning part of his cigarette being so close to the filter now. He licked his lips and looked at the watch 4:55 Am. Time he got ready he thought. Yawning he gets up and leaves his bedroom.
He had thought alot about something for a long time he thought. It related to how much he had disappointed the people around him for a long time. About how some of them didnt even know the whole truth. Or even half of it. He had been thinking about their breaking point. In science he learned of the elastic limit. Limit upto which a rubber or any material can be stretched. Pass that limit and it breaks. So what was the limits of the people around him he thought? What can he tell them about the stuff he has done in his life that would freak them, gross them out? What was the skeleton in his closet that would make them leave him? Their breaking point from him.
He was torn between the two core feelings. Regret and fear of being alone. He regretted things he had done and wanted to be honest and bring them out into the open. Tell the people around him what and why he did it but he was afraid of loosing them, the fear of dying alone. He knew in all his life he could not find the breaking points of the people around him because it was not universal. So how was he going to come out of this sane? Guilt was like a dozen big slimy worms twirling, squeezing, slouching inside your very stomach. Screaming inside your own head did not help either he thought. What was he going to do?
He could always take a risk he thought. Put himself out there. Tell them what he did and hope for the best? He then saw an image of him as a baby. Half naked with just a diaper on. In his crib. Crying his eyes out. There was noone around him. There were no hands to take him from his crib. There was no bosom he could find comfort in. There came no words to comfort him. He was alone. Vulnerable to the worlds every whim. And he cried and cried.
He lit up another cigarette, he was going through alot he thought. It was almost 3:00 Am only two more hours to go till he needed to be in office he thought. Wish he could have slept he thought. Wish sleep could have come easily. Wish he did not have to sleep alone he thought. He wondered what all married men enjoyed the first few years of their marriages. Besides the sex part. To be able to sleep with someone you love. To feel their warmth against you. To hear them breathing carelessly. Their eyes fluttering if they were having a dream. Waking up in the morning to see that persons face. The natural beauty entwined with the mornings first rays of light. They get to brush their spouses hair from their faces to get a better look at them. Wake them up with a kiss. Hug them. Cuddle. And if its Friday go back to sleep. Who would loose an opportunity to have everything he ever wanted by taking a risk he thought.
He then thought if a one time convicted rapist could love someone. It be a man or woman would this person tell the person he/she loved that once before in his/her past he/she violated another woman or man? That would be a skeleton they would take to their grave. And because they dont tell anyone, can we condemn them for it? If you think about it no woman would trust him but he could really be in love. But how do we know that he thought? How can you measure a persons redemption? It was just like any other feeling like love, it could never be measured. The world does not give you second chances when you do alot of things. This being one of the filthiest one of them all, how does a rapist tell what he/she did? How do they overcome the fear of being alone?
What if it had been a child molester? The worst kind of humans imaginable. What woman would be comfortable to have kids with this man. Or vice versa if it was a woman molester. But they still are humans, can they not have a genuine need or want for a child of their own? Maybe he thought. What he was sure was that noone would trust them. Noone would give them a second chance. He woudnt have he thought. He dragged hard on his finished cigarette, burning his lips a little with the burning part of his cigarette being so close to the filter now. He licked his lips and looked at the watch 4:55 Am. Time he got ready he thought. Yawning he gets up and leaves his bedroom.
1 comment:
nice and interesting read
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